\u201cOur study found that people who yearn for a more intimate partnership and people who crave more distance are equally at risk for having a problematic relationship<\/strong>,\u201d says the study\u2019s lead author, David M. Frost, PhD, of Columbia University\u2019s Mailman School of Public Health. \u201cIf you want to experience your relationship as healthy and rewarding, it\u2019s important that you find a way to attain your idealized level of closeness with your partner.\u201d<\/p>\n Results will be published in the April issue of the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin<\/em>, and appear ahead of print online on February 13.<\/p>\n A sample of 732 men and women, living across the U.S. and Canada, completed three yearly surveys online. They answered questions about relationship closeness, relationship satisfaction, commitment, break-up thoughts, and symptoms of depression. Current and ideal closeness were assessed by choosing from six sets of overlapping circles; varying degrees of overlap signified degrees of closeness. This well-established psychological measure of closeness is known as Inclusion of Other in Self and indicates a couple\u2019s \u201cwe-ness\u201d or shared identity, values, viewpoints, resources, and personality traits.<\/p>\n More than half of respondents (57%) reported feeling too much distance between themselves and their partner<\/strong>; 37% were content with the level of closeness in their relationship; and a small minority (5%) reported feeling too close. The degree of difference between a respondent\u2019s actual and ideal\u2014their \u201ccloseness discrepancy\u201d\u2014correlated with poorer relationship quality and more frequent symptoms of depression.<\/p>\n The effect was the same whether the respondent reported feeling \u201ctoo close for comfort\u201d or \u201cnot close enough.\u201d<\/strong> Surprisingly, the negative effects of closeness discrepancies were evident regardless of how close people felt to their partners; what mattered was the discrepancy, not the closeness.<\/p>\n Over the two-year study period, some respondents\u2019 experiences of closeness became aligned with their ideals. In such cases, their relationship quality and mental health improved. The inverse was also true. Those who increasingly felt \u201ctoo close\u201d or \u201cnot close enough\u201d over time were more likely to grow unhappy in their relationships and ultimately break up with their partners<\/strong>. Closeness discrepancies could shape new approaches to psychotherapy, both for couples and individuals, because it takes seriously real differences in the amount of closeness people want in their relationships, says Dr. Frost, a psychologist and assistant professor of Population & Family Health at the Mailman School.<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s best not to make too many assumptions about what constitutes a healthy relationship<\/strong>,\u201d he says. \u201cRather, we need to hear from people about how close they are in their relationships and how that compares to how close they\u2019d ideally like to be.\u201d<\/p>\n Ongoing studies are looking at the issue of closeness discrepancies from both sides of a relationship to see how someone\u2019s sense of relationship closeness might differ from their partners, whether someone\u2019s closeness discrepancy affects their partners, and how it affects their sex life.<\/p>\n The concept could also be extended to non-romantic relationships such as co-workers, parent-child, and patient-provider interactions<\/strong>. Cat Forrester, a graduate student who studied under Dr. Frost at San Francisco State University, is a co-author of the paper.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" From the Columbia University press release via HealthCanal: When it comes to having a lasting and fulfilling relationship, common wisdom says that feeling close to your romantic partner is paramount…. 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When it comes to having a lasting and fulfilling relationship, common wisdom says that feeling close to your romantic partner is paramount. But a new study finds that it\u2019s not how close you feel that matters most, it\u2019s whether you are as close as you want to be, even if that\u2019s really not close at all<\/strong>.<\/p>\n